I have always admired my Grandmother, Barbara O’Shaughnessy. To this day she is still my best friend. She is one of the most elegant and classy ladies I know.  She has always been someone I could turn to and count on. My Grandmother lived in a large beautiful house in Midland Texas. She was an amazing hostess and focused on all of the small details to make each event special.

Guests would enter through the huge front doors and go down the stairway to what was called the “big room”. That room was for adults only unless you got invited into it. The big room was exactly that, big. It was full of beautiful couches and chairs. A huge fireplace was at one end and floor to ceiling windows on the two other walls. There was also a built in bar that had a storage room behind it that included an icemaker. For her parties, there would be a bar tender serving drinks as well as maids serving horderves through out the room. It was magical in my mind.

I would watch the guests arrive in their fancy clothes, smiling and happy. My Grandmother would look so glamorous each time with her fancy dresses, jewelry and red lips. I was always so proud of her. Yet as I watched these parties and sometimes got to join them for a drink. (I was allowed sprite with a splash of wine in a special glass.) I never felt like I fit in or belonged no matter how much I wanted to.

As I grew older and became an adult that feeling of not good enough did not leave me. I was happy, had lots of friends but somehow I felt I never measured up. There was a part of me that wanted to be glamorous and feel special.

On December 3rd I threw my 5th Annual Trailer Trash Gift Exchange Holiday Party. The guests and the food are glamorous and the gifts are trailer trash gifts that you would never want to go home with! I was expecting 34 for a sit down dinner.

This year I wanted to create it even better than before. I asked my guests to wear ball gowns and dress up. They were greeted with glasses of a Pinot Noir Sparkling Wine. I had a wine maker bring his wine and he held a wine tasting class in the dinning room. I hired a bartender to make drinks and a woman to serve the horderves and food. As the party began, I got overwhelmed and stepped outside.

For a moment I was hit by that insecure feeling of not belonging, not good enough and not pretty enough. Then I turned and looked in the living room window. The Christmas tree filled part of the window with its white lights and beautiful ornaments.

I could hear Christmas music, laughter and the clink of glasses. Then two of my friends who are married came into the room. She was in her ball gown; he in his bow tie, her head was back as she was laughing. They were holding champagne glasses and he had his arm around her. As they smiled and greeted another couple that were in the living room, I was hit by a huge wave of emotion.

I was looking into what I perceived as the perfect holiday party, and I created it. That was my house, my food I made and best of all, my friends. They all dressed up to come celebrate with me. I was no longer the lonely girl looking in, I was the hostess. Tears ran down my face for a moment as I got it.

I felt as though the arc angles I work with surrounded me with love. A huge peace overcame me as I was filled with joy. In that moment, all of the healing work I have been doing to heal the “less than”, “not good enough” and “left out” was cleared and healed. I knew in that moment that I would no longer let those thoughts drive me or pull me away. I was now on the inside, laughing and loving.

We create what we want in our lives. This party was an experience I desired and wanted. I realize that there are times I play small and curl up wishing that I was different. When in all reality, I am perfect the way I am!

I went back inside with joy bursting out of my heart. After wine tasting we enjoyed a cocktail hour with delicious hourderves I had prepared earlier. As that was happening, a few friends were helping me set up the dinning room and bring in more tables for dinner. Dinner I had made for everyone with love.

After dinner we all went into the lounge to open the outrageous gifts everyone had brought. As we sat in our fine ball gowns and laughed at the stealing and bargains being made in regards to the gifts, I felt truly blessed.

What I did not tell you at the beginning of the story was that I had two slipped disks, two fractured toes and a fractured foot at the time. I always do all my own food for my parties. This year, it was my food I just had help in making it all and getting it all out.

As I would have to sit a lot during the party I noticed the kindness around me. One of my friends would stop by with a big glass of water with lemon for me to make sure I stayed hydrated. Another helped serve the food and many helped with clean up. As the night grew long and the bartender had gone, another friend stepped behind the bar to take over.

Sometimes we just need to pause and look, it is pretty amazing what we can create in our lives. Lets start the New Year loving ourselves for who we are exactly right now. Lets acknowledge all of the people in our lives that help and love us.

This year I got my Christmas miracle. I am sending you many blessings and hope that you too can find your Christmas or Holiday miracle. It is right there waiting to be noticed.

The hallways at the school are covered with framed class photos. I graduated with 19 in my class. Looking at the old class photo made me smile. How different we look. I looked like a very preppy co-ed! I also looked at the framed photos of the May Fete Queens. We did not have homecoming or cheerleaders since we were a small private school. It was fun to see my friends in their fancy long white dresses that they had to wear!

I loved seeing how beautiful everyone looked dressed up. We claimed two tables and the majority of us sat together. The biggest joke was as we all poured wine in our glasses was that we were allowed to drink on campus! As teenagers we got in trouble for that! Dinner was fun and we were pretty silly.

Dancing followed the meal. A 70’s-80’s cover band played old favorite songs. A lot of laughter and smiles were seen. It was a hot night and we danced under the stars on the patio.

Later the majority of us gathered in the bar at Jaxson’s to have our last moments together before we return to our separate lives. I had such an amazing conversation with Shannon and her husband. They are such amazing parents and I am so blown away at their commitment to how their children are raised. Many could learn from them.

The night wore on and we laughed a lot. As the restaurant closed we returned to our hotel where a few of us last stragglers hung out in the lobby to visit just a bit more. You could see the reluctance everyone had to go up and go to bed. We shared and laughed a lot. I got to talk to Mario a lot this time which was nice since I had been hanging out with him all weekend and did not get the chance to talk to him. So by the time the evening was winding up, I had gotten good one to one time with everyone. That was nice.

My friend Deric and I hung out for a few more hours talking. We talked a lot about the different choices we made in our lives and how we feel about them. Deric is married with child number four on the way. As he shared, he will definitely have kids in his house until he is in his 60’s. Wow!

As I went to sleep in the wee hours of the night, I was happy. It had been so much fun to connect and spend so much time together with my friends. I know that I will be staying in touch with many of them. I also reflected on my life. Some of the changes in my life that have occurred were not choice but circumstance, yet I prevailed. I also looked at my choices and am so happy with how I am showing up in the world. I love how I live so big, dream big and get to help so many. Some of the most important years were spent with those friends as we figured out who we were and what we wanted to do in our lives. It was such a pleasure to see what we have done. I do hope to do this again down the road.

Three of my friends brought their children. The kids were so well behaved and miniature versions of my friends. It was really special to get the opportunity to get to know their children as well. I car pooled because it was much more fun and easier on me than trying to find my way.

There was such a wonderful sense of connection and camaraderie among us in the group. The owner was so generous with us sending our huge table plates of nachos to start us out and sopapillas for dessert. I have not had a sopapilla in 24 years, oh boy were they yummy!

Sandra, Deric, Ted, David and I went to visit an old friend who was not attending the reunion. His life had taken quite a turn and he has been suffering a bad life. He was really surprised to see us and overwhelmed. How different his life was from the rest of us. It made me think of all of the chances that we have to make choices in our life and how they effect our way of being in the world.

I was glad we got to connect with him. We had such fun with him in high school. It was fun to remember some of our crazy adventures. As Sandra said more than once, “It is amazing how we survived and never got hurt.” Some of the teenage choices we made were quite reckless looking back, and it is remarkable that we came out with out scratches or worse.

This whole adventure has had me looking at how I live my life and the choices I make on a regular basis. As my mentor taught me years ago, “we are always in choice.”

My core group was there as well as so many other friends that I was close to: Ted, Deric, Sandra, Glenda, Kathleen, Julie, Shannon,  Jay, Mario, Rosario, Silvia, Merena and more. Every one looked the same, just a little older. Hugs all around, lots of laughter and excitement. Even one of our professors joined us and she did not look a day older!

Rosario brought in about 4 large photo albums for us to look at which was very funny. Then it was photo time. It was like the paparazzi, so many cameras and so many flashes. I did not even take mine out, I will get to see all of the ones taken from Glenda. As a group we spent a few hours catching up with each other.

Later the house  band began to play very loudly. So in a flash we all went across the street to a bistro bar and filled their back room. I got caught up on everyones life and shared stories of the past. Some I remembered, some I did not.

Near the end of  the evening as tradition holds Tequila came to visit. My core group use to call us the Sub Club because it was a bar we use to frequent in Juarez Mexico across the El Paso boarder. We always went for the cheap beer and the Tequila!

After a few rounds I was sitting with Sandra, Deric, Ted and Jay and we were laughing so very hard. It seemed as though it had only been a few weeks since we parted. Old ways of being and habits came up for us. The closeness we shared as teenagers still existed which amazed me.

I also got to reconnect with my other friends and create  new friendships with the spouses of the group. It was neat that at one point the spouses and significant others had their own table and the old friends had theirs. There was a lot of laughter, joy and love in the room.

I was reluctant to come but thought I might have a little fun. I had no idea how much I had missed these friends and how much I want to stay in touch and have them in my life in the future. I definitely had more fun than I ever expected to and I am so happy that we got this opportunity to reconnect again.

Tomorrow we have a planned lunch at a Mexican restaurant  that I am told is very good. There will be 19 of us for lunch! Then later tomorrow evening is the dinner dance at the school.

I saw so many friends that I had forgotten about and it was so neat to see them again. My old suite mate Rosario greeted me, it had been 24 years since we saw each other. Yet, it seemed as if we were laughing together like yesterday. I ate in the main dinning hall because I was a server there for all 4 years and had to eat in the kitchen. All meals are formal at the school. It was so fun to have someone else serve me. The food was as good as I remembered, we all had seconds!

There were times that friends shared with me that I did not remember at all and there were photos of me that I did not remember. I was frustrated at first but then just enjoyed hearing about our adventures. The evening is planned for a reunion with all of my main closest friends here at the hotel bar. My excitement was huge!

I grew up on a ranch in New Mexico about 3 hours north of here. I had a difficult childhood and it was not always happy. To say it lightly my Father was difficult and at times abusive.  Boarding school was a blessing. Today he is no longer in contact with my Mother or sisters. That does not make the memories go away. He still lives on the ranch in New Mexico and my biggest fear is running into him, which I know the chances of that is slim.

When I went west to California in 1986 I swore never to return to the southwest because of the memories from the ranch. Due to facebook, I got the opportunity to reconnect with the majority of my high school friends. My desire to reconnect with them superseded my fear of my Father, so I have come to El Paso.

As I landed I realized that despite the years gone by, I still recognized the mountains surrounding the city. I admit, I got lost on my way to the hotel though! I am staying at a historic landmark called Camino Real. It is famous for two reasons. One, Tiffany made a huge giant glass dome that is above the large bar area and it is the only one he ever made. Two, Pancho Villa during the Mexican revolution rode his horse in the bar with his men and horses. He demanded beer for his men and the horses and shot the glass dome. It has been repaired and I don’t think I will run in to him!

So I decided after checking in, to go to the famous Dome Bar to have a drink and get some dinner. As I approached the bar I heard music and horrible singing. I assumed it must be karaoke night. To my dismay it was the house band and they were very loud. It was hard to talk to anyone due to the noise. They took a lot of breaks to drink and as the night wore on the music got worse and worse.

I made a friend at the bar and she and I had a blast using the cel phone video to tape some of the worst parts. It actually became most enjoyable. I went off to bed. The next day brings the 100 year festivities at my school Radford, who’s claim to fame is that Sandra Day O’Connor graduated from there. I will also get to see old friends.

Photo by Sylvia Valentine

Reflection Tree Drop ‘94

sylviavalentine.com

I assisted at my friend Alison Mark’s workshop a few weeks ago. She was offering a free workshop called 3 Simple things you can do at your desk to stop spinning your wheels and Get Stuff Done. I was there to be of service to her clients. Little did I know how much that workshop would affect me and the way I do things! I watched as she gave tips, explained things and answered questions from her audience. In my head I was thinking “oh I know that” “really? That’s so simple” “I have the best office”  At the end of the evening after the clients left with their plans for their home offices and the supplies were put away, I thanked Alison. I told her I was so surprised and honored at how vulnerable her audience had gotten around their clutter issues and more. Some of them were very affected by it so much that it was beginning to isolate them. I was so glad they got help from Alison.

I surprised myself the next morning. First I was up very early for me and excited. I went into my home office and started moving the piles of papers and stuff to the hall way. I then pulled out the futon that took up so much room. I moved my desk and file cabinets. I began to feel more inspired and excited to be in my office. As I  purged the piles of unnecessary paper, I began to feel lighter. I set up new files, one that is labeled current for what needs to be done that day. I made a file for each of my projects I am working on. These now hang in the file cabinet to my right  for easy access. I did not know I was working on 6 separate projects at the same time! Then I remember the challenge Alison had given her audience: at the end of the day, you must leave your desk clean with nothing on it.

Now note I have an addiction to post it notes, they usually cover the desk and all around the screen of the computer. How could I possibly leave a desk with nothing on it? The post its were purged and the necessary ones went into the current file. As I began to find a home for everything and got rid of things not serving me, I started to understand the reason behind the clean desk. In the evening as I leave my home office, I see a clean desk and organized room. It feels peaceful. Also by moving the desk, when I walk down my hallway, I do not see it. This helps divide the work time from the rest and home time.

By just making a small shift in how I do things has made a huge difference. I am more productive, have more inspiration and enjoy being in my space. I am more peaceful.

Think about your space, do you feel good in it? Is it functioning properly? Is it time for you to make a small shift?

To see more photos of Sylvia’s go to sylviavalentine.com

To learn more about Alison’s work go to http://www.insideoutdesigncoaching.com

Doing little things like making a nice dinner for a friend is important. It lets them know that you really care and are glad they are in your lives. I mean it is nice to get a card and a gift. But I prefer when someone does something generous.

My last birthday my friend Jennifer gave me a card. I turned 42. In the card were listed the 42 reasons she loved me. They made me laugh and they made me cry. I won’t ever forget that gift. I know Carlos will be surprised that I made his favorite dinner. He always talks about mole but never gets it. Good mole is hard to find around her. I actually brought mine from Mexico the last time I went to visit my Mom. It is delicious.

What have you done special for your friend?

All of us decided to ask for a miracle. We each took a colored ribbon, mine was red, and wrote our request on it. Together all five of us went to the local church to visit his altar. He was covered in colored ribbons and a good amount of white ones. His right hand had no ribbons on it so my sister, her fiance, his father and mother hung their ribbons from that hand. I had hung mine on the altar. Alan (the fiance) asked if I would hang mine with theirs and he would tie them all together as a family. It was very touching. We each prayed quietly asking for our individual miracles, though in that moment, I felt we had been granted one, family. We all plan to return here to hang our white ribbons once the miracles happen. Which I am sure will be soon.

I did some research on this saint. It is a very interesting story. He was a hermit monk that was very religious and had extraordinary abilities when he was alive. He was clairvoyant, could help heal people and more. It seems that when he died, they buried the body in dirt, no coffin. For 45 days an bright light came from the grave and people came to get healings. After a few months the authorities dug up the body and found it floating in mud looking as if it had just been buried. The body was still flexible and a blood like substance dripped onto the sheet. This substance has been used to heal many over the years. His grave has been dug up a few times and each time, it looks as if he was just buried and still the blood like substance flows from the body. There are many stories about the healing people have gotten over the centuries.

Many cultures have different ways of asking for miracles. It so happens this Saint is honored world wide. The story facinated me and made me think. Do I take the time to ask for miracles? What exactly do I believe is a miracle?

I took it seriously as I wrote on my ribbon today and as it was hung on his right hand. Just this brought the 5 of us together. I just met my sisters fiance and his parents this week. Yet today, we became family. That I believe is a beautiful miracle. I will keep my eyes open for the ones I requested today. Yet, I know there are miracles around me every day if I just looked for them and noticed them.

Do you ask for miracles? Do you take the time to notice them around you on a regular basis?

For the past week I have been in Los Cabos, Mexico staying at my Mothers house on a hill above the beach. I have my own little house and have been working on the huge front porch every day. Two years ago I decided that I wanted my coaching business to involve travel and fun. I wanted to be able to work from vacation places so that I could both work and play. I wanted a phone plan that allowed me to coach from anywhere and a lap top to write from.

I was supposed to have gone back home yesterday, but have decided to stay longer because I can do what I need from here. I have worked a little, played a lot and had wonderful connection with family. On day two, as I emailed the wonderful couple helping me with my social media, I realized I had gotten what I wanted. A working vacation in a wonderful location with a beach.

Once I realized that, I have been thinking of other things that would be good. Each day I see them unfold before me. The ask for what you desire and you will get it statement is actually quite true. Even though at first, I was skeptical I tried it. As my dreams began to come true, I began to ask for more. How big was I willing to live I asked myself. Then I wrote it down. From the practical to the fantasy.

As I sit here today, overlooking the beautiful beach enjoying the soft breeze on a warm day, I have done what I set out to. Now I am designing even a bigger life. I know it is hard to see that this is possible when you are in the grieving process at the end of a relationship. The lost dreams and broken heart and make life seem so bleak. If you can challenge yourself to step out of your way, and dream for a minute, write it down. It does not have to be huge, but just start thinking about what you want now, in your new life.