A Share from my December Newsletter

As a child I never felt like I would ever fit in. I felt I was not pretty enough or sophisticated enough. I struggled with self worth issues all through my pre-teens and teenage years. Always comparing my self to others and looking to others for approval. I always felt I was looking in from the outside into others perfect lives. Wishing I could fit in and be one of them.

I have always admired my Grandmother, Barbara O’Shaughnessy. To this day she is still my best friend. She is one of the most elegant and classy ladies I know.  She has always been someone I could turn to and count on. My Grandmother lived in a large beautiful house in Midland Texas. She was an amazing hostess and focused on all of the small details to make each event special.

Guests would enter through the huge front doors and go down the stairway to what was called the “big room”. That room was for adults only unless you got invited into it. The big room was exactly that, big. It was full of beautiful couches and chairs. A huge fireplace was at one end and floor to ceiling windows on the two other walls. There was also a built in bar that had a storage room behind it that included an icemaker. For her parties, there would be a bar tender serving drinks as well as maids serving horderves through out the room. It was magical in my mind.

I would watch the guests arrive in their fancy clothes, smiling and happy. My Grandmother would look so glamorous each time with her fancy dresses, jewelry and red lips. I was always so proud of her. Yet as I watched these parties and sometimes got to join them for a drink. (I was allowed sprite with a splash of wine in a special glass.) I never felt like I fit in or belonged no matter how much I wanted to.

As I grew older and became an adult that feeling of not good enough did not leave me. I was happy, had lots of friends but somehow I felt I never measured up. There was a part of me that wanted to be glamorous and feel special.

On December 3rd I threw my 5th Annual Trailer Trash Gift Exchange Holiday Party. The guests and the food are glamorous and the gifts are trailer trash gifts that you would never want to go home with! I was expecting 34 for a sit down dinner.

This year I wanted to create it even better than before. I asked my guests to wear ball gowns and dress up. They were greeted with glasses of a Pinot Noir Sparkling Wine. I had a wine maker bring his wine and he held a wine tasting class in the dinning room. I hired a bartender to make drinks and a woman to serve the horderves and food. As the party began, I got overwhelmed and stepped outside.

For a moment I was hit by that insecure feeling of not belonging, not good enough and not pretty enough. Then I turned and looked in the living room window. The Christmas tree filled part of the window with its white lights and beautiful ornaments.

I could hear Christmas music, laughter and the clink of glasses. Then two of my friends who are married came into the room. She was in her ball gown; he in his bow tie, her head was back as she was laughing. They were holding champagne glasses and he had his arm around her. As they smiled and greeted another couple that were in the living room, I was hit by a huge wave of emotion.

I was looking into what I perceived as the perfect holiday party, and I created it. That was my house, my food I made and best of all, my friends. They all dressed up to come celebrate with me. I was no longer the lonely girl looking in, I was the hostess. Tears ran down my face for a moment as I got it.

I felt as though the arc angles I work with surrounded me with love. A huge peace overcame me as I was filled with joy. In that moment, all of the healing work I have been doing to heal the “less than”, “not good enough” and “left out” was cleared and healed. I knew in that moment that I would no longer let those thoughts drive me or pull me away. I was now on the inside, laughing and loving.

We create what we want in our lives. This party was an experience I desired and wanted. I realize that there are times I play small and curl up wishing that I was different. When in all reality, I am perfect the way I am!

I went back inside with joy bursting out of my heart. After wine tasting we enjoyed a cocktail hour with delicious hourderves I had prepared earlier. As that was happening, a few friends were helping me set up the dinning room and bring in more tables for dinner. Dinner I had made for everyone with love.

After dinner we all went into the lounge to open the outrageous gifts everyone had brought. As we sat in our fine ball gowns and laughed at the stealing and bargains being made in regards to the gifts, I felt truly blessed.

What I did not tell you at the beginning of the story was that I had two slipped disks, two fractured toes and a fractured foot at the time. I always do all my own food for my parties. This year, it was my food I just had help in making it all and getting it all out.

As I would have to sit a lot during the party I noticed the kindness around me. One of my friends would stop by with a big glass of water with lemon for me to make sure I stayed hydrated. Another helped serve the food and many helped with clean up. As the night grew long and the bartender had gone, another friend stepped behind the bar to take over.

Sometimes we just need to pause and look, it is pretty amazing what we can create in our lives. Lets start the New Year loving ourselves for who we are exactly right now. Lets acknowledge all of the people in our lives that help and love us.

This year I got my Christmas miracle. I am sending you many blessings and hope that you too can find your Christmas or Holiday miracle. It is right there waiting to be noticed.